HI

I HAVEN'T REALLY HAD MUCH TO SAY IN A LONG LONG TIME.......BUT I THOUGHT I'D JUST STOP IN AND SAY HELLO! :)

TODAY IS AUGUST 26TH........

DEN-DEN IS GONE........... I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.

LIFE............

TODAY 8/23 MY BFF CELEBRATED HER 9TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY, FOR THOSE WHO KNOW THEM AND THE STORY, I PLAYED MATCH MAKER, JUST ONE TIME AND AND ONLY ONE TIME AND I CAUSED A MARRIAGE. THEY BLAME ME ALL THE TIME, BUT I KNOW ITS ALL OUT OF LOVE. ALL OF US THAT GOT MARRIED THAT YEAR 1998, THEY ARE THE ONLY ONES STILL MARRIED. I WISH THE MANY YEARS OF HAPPINESS. YOU BOTH KNOW I LOVE YOU TO PIECES.

THIS YEAR NOVEMBER 1ST, MY MOM SHOULD BE CELEBRATING 25 YEARS MARRIED TO ONE OF THE WORLDS MOST AMAZING MEN. THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 33 YEARS. BUT INSTEAD HERE I AM, AT THERE HOUSE SITTING BY MY MOM, WATCHING AND WAITING FOR MY STEP DAD TO DIE. I GOT HERE ON TUESDAY AND CRIED FOR ALMOST 5 HOURS STRAIGHT. IT TOOK ME ABOUT 6 HOURS TO FINALLY GO INTO THE ROOM TO SEE HIM. HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG STRONG MAN TO ME. STANDING AT 6'2"....NOW HE IS THIS FRAIL OLD MAN LAYING IN BED, NOT ABLE TO DO A THING FOR HIMSELF. MY MOM IS BEING VERY STRONG....BUT I'M AM WORRIED SICK FOR HER, THIS WILL BE HER FIRST TIME ALONE I THINK IN FOREVER. UP UNTIL TODAY, SHE HAS YET TO CRY. TODAY SHE WENT IN THE ROOM TO CHECK ON HIM (HE IS HERE IN THE HOUSE) AND TO SEE IF HE NEEDED OR WANTED ANYTHING. HE TOLD HER "ALL I NEED IS YOU" OK JUST WRITING THIS IS MAKING ME CRY ALL OVER AGAIN. THIS MADE HER CRY. I'M GLAD SHE IS LETTING A LITTLE OUT. SHE TOLD HIM IT WAS OK TO GO, THAT SHE WOULD BE OK AND DIDN'T WANT HIM TO SUFFER ANYMORE................

............WHAT DO I SAY NOW. I'M OFF TO GET A TISSUE, AGAIN.

ONE OF THOSE DAYS.......

OK OK MAYBE ITS BEEN ONE OF THOSE MONTHS. YES YES I KNOW I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO SAY IN A WHILE BUT ....OH I JUST CAN'T EVEN BEGIN.

SO WORK HAS BEEN A LITTLE NUTS. BUT TO BE BRIEF, ONE OF MY FULL TIMERS GOT A PHONE CALL FROM HOME, HER DAD IS DYING..........AND OFF SHE WENT HOME. NOW DON'T TAKE THIS WRONG, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHY SHE WENT HOME. BUT I WORK FOR A VERY SMALL COMPANY AND LOOSING A MANAGER WHO WORK MANY HOURS HAS REALLY PUT A BIG HOLE IN WORK LIFE. IT HAS MADE EXTRA WORK FOR ME, BUT WE HAVE HIRED SOME REPLACEMENTS AND THINGS WERE STARTING TO LOOK UP.

WELL LAST WEEK I CAME HOME TO FIND A MESSAGE FROM A FRIEND. HIS SISTER HAD DIED. I HAVE KNOW HIM AND HIS FAMILY LET'S SEE ITS BEEN 20+ YEARS NOW. BUT OVER TIME WE HAD LOST TOUCH. LATELY I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH FRIENDS THAT I HAVE LOST TOUCH OVER STUPID THING AND MAKE THINGS BETTER. THEIR FAMILY AND THEM WERE IN THE MIST OF MY PROJECT.

WELL THE WAKE WAS THIS PAST TUESDAY, AND I DIDN'T GO. I KNOW I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE BUT, IF YOU KNOW ME, ONE I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE WAKE/FUNERAL THING. BEING RAISED JEWISH, THE WHOLE DEAD BODY THING REALLY FREAKS ME OUT. I DON'T WANT MY LAST MEMORY OF SOMEONE TO BE THEM LYING IN THERE CASKET.

A FEW YEARS AGO ANOTHER FRIENDS MOM PASSED AWAY
AND MY LAST MEMORY OF HER IS THAT HE LIPSTICK WASN'T
ON CORRECTLY. IT'S BEEN YEARS AND THIS STILL BUGS ME.

OK BACK TO WHAT I WAS GETTING AT..... SO BECAUSE I HAD LOST TOUCH WITH THIS FAMILY FOR ALMOST 15 YEARS, I DIDN'T KNOW ANYONE WHO WOULD BE GOING TO THE WAKE. IF YOU KNOW ME, I REALLY CAN'T GO PLACES ALONE. I WORRY MYSELF SICK ABOUT THIS AND USUALLY END UP SPENDING HOURS IN THE BATHROOM BECAUSE OF THIS. SO, I DIDN'T GO TO THE WAKE AND WAS REALLY HOPING IT WOULDN'T BE NOTICED. WELL AS I WAS SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND FEELING ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO.....POOF..... A MESSAGE FROM THE BROTHER "I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE TONIGHT". OK EXTREME GUILT TOOK OVER ME AND AFTER I FINISHED TALKING TO HIM, I PICKED OUT MY CLOTHES FOR TOMORROW TO GO THE THE FUNERAL. MY DAY OFF FALLS ON WEDNESDAY SO I REALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AS ASS IF I DIDN'T GO.

WELL WORRIED ABOUT OVER SLEEPING I WOKE UP AN HOUR 1/2 BEFORE MY ALARM. I SHOWERED GRABBED MY DIRECTIONS AND OFF I WENT. AS I TURNED ON TO THE STREET THE FUNERAL HOME WAS ON, I COULDN'T BREATH. THERE WERE 2 FUNERAL HOMES, CAR ON BOTH SIDES WITH THAT ORANGE FUNERAL FLAG AND NO DRIVE WAY TO THE FUNERAL HOME I WAS SUPPOSE TO BE GOING TO. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I COULDN'T BREATH, MOVE, THINK, I DON'T KNOW HOW I ACTUALLY DROVE THE REST OF THE WAY TO GET OF THE STREET AND TURN THE CORNER. I PULLED OVER SOME WHERE AND CALLED MY OTHER FRIEND. HER SON ANSWERED AND I COULD BARELY GET THE WORDS "LET ME TALK TO MAMA" OUT OF MY MOUTH. SHE ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG AND WHY I WAS SO FREAKED ABOUT GOING TO THE DENTIST. I SOME HOW SPIT THE WORKS AT FUNERAL, CAN'T BREATH, CAN'T THINK, CAN'T DRIVE. SHE TALKED TO ME FOR PROBABLY 20 MINUTES TILL I CALMED DOWN ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY TALK TO HER. I DROVE BACK PAST THE FUNERAL HOME AND THERE WAS JUST NO WAY I COULD HAVE EVEN PARKED, NEVER MINDED GOTTEN OUT OF THE CAR. SO I DROVE AWAY. I DROVE PAST THE PARENTS HOUSE OF THE FRIEND WHO DIED AND I CRIED SOME MORE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SUCH AN ASS AND I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THE CAR. I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF FOR FREAKING OUT LIKE THAT.

WELL BY THE TIME, I GOT BACK TO MY HOUSE. IT HAD BE OVER AN HOUR SINCE I FIRST DROVE BY THE FUNERAL HOME. I GOT OUT OF MY CAR AND THANK GOODNESS I PARK NEXT TO A FENCE OR I WOULD HAVE HIT THE GROUND. I HAD TO HOLD THE FENCE AND THE HOUSE ALL THE WAY TO MY DOOR. I GOT BACK IN THE HOUSE AND CRAWLED BACK INTO BED. HOW I WAS FEELING WAS REALLY FREAKING ME OUT. WORKED THEN CALLS AND MY POOR ASSISTANT COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS STILL SLEEPING SINCE I HAD THE DENTIST. I COULD BARELY GET OUT THAT I WAS CRYING, AND THAT I TRIED TO GO TO THE FUNERAL, ETC ETC. I PROCEEDED TO CRY EVERY MOMENT I GOT ALL DAY OVER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. WELL THE GOOD THING I CAN SAY IS THE WATERPROOF MAKEUP THAT I BOUGHT FOR SOMETHING ELSE, ACTUALLY WORKS. IT WAS STILL PERFECT EVEN AFTER RUBBING MY EYES.

WELL ITS OFFICIAL, I GUESS I'VE OFFICIALLY HAD MY FIRST PANIC ATTACK......
HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU????

.......HMMM

LATELY I HAVE REALLY JUST BEEN STUMPED AT THE THINGS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT, I HAD LOTS OF THINGS I WANTED TO GET OFF MY CHEST WHEN I FIRST STARTED WRITING HERE AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. I HAVE SO MANY THINGS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD AND I JUST REALLY NEED TO SORT THEM OUT.

ONE QUICK QUESTION.......
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE ME THE WAY I NEED TO BE LOVED????

I'VE BEEN TAGGED!!

VALERIE OF "ADVENTURES IN PARENTING" TAGGED ME, I'M GOING TO STRANGLE HER TOMORROW

List your 5 favorite Christmas songs. Then choose five people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments!

1 I Have A Little Dreidel
2 Chanukah, Oh Chanukah
3 Sivivon, Sov, Sov, Sov
4 Chanukah Chanukah
5 JINGLE BELL ROCK

OK IF YOU DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT I DON'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. AS FOR THE 5 PEOPLE TO TAG, I CAN'T NAME 5 PEOPLE WHO ADMIT THEY EVEN READ MY BLOG. I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A HAD AND WILL HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY. I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEW YEARS TO BRING A NEW YEAR, A NEW START AND A GREAT TIME.

HI, ITS ME!!!

I KNOW I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN A WHILE. I JUST REALLY HAVEN'T HAD MUCH TO SAY. THIS ALL STARTED OUT THAT I WAS GOING TO TELL STORIES OF MY PAST, MAYBE TO GET THEM OUT IN THE OPEN AND OFF MY CHEST AND OUT OF MY NIGHT MARES. BUT THAT REALLY HASN'T HAPPENED. I KNOW I'M KNOW FOR ALWAYS HAVING A STORY FOR EVERYTHING, BUT I'M STILL NOT READY TO SHARE.

SO MY LIFE LATELY, WELL I HAVE DECIDED MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY THAT MEN ARE VERY STRANGE!!! YES I KNOW MOST OF YOU AGREE WITH ME, BUT I JUST WISH I COULD ACTUALLY GET INTO ONE'S HEAD JUST ONCE AND REALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES THEM TICK. I KNOW WE ALL WISH THIS, ITS JUST LATELY THEY HAVE BEEN STRANGER THEN USUAL.........

I SOME HOW JUST LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT. DAMN!!! WELL I'M GOING TO TRY TO KEEP UP WITH MORE POSTS. IF YOUR HERE, JUST SAY HI, LET ME KNOW YOUR READING WHAT I'M THINKING.